LETTER TO MY EX THAT I WILL NEVER POST

Dearest Shaun,

          

   On good days, I am thankful for our relationship, laughing on the lessons that I have learnt from it. On bad days, I wonder about my life had we still been together. And though in all sense, I know that we broke up for the developing cracks, the lost love and other factors, these things don't stop me from questioning - what if.

   The initial days after our breakup were tough. I don't recall if I cried, but I think I did. I was hurt and disappointed. Add to it, I felt betrayed. My negative emotions came from what I believed we could have worked things out. Later, it was more for feeling that you should have been more honest about your feelings and told me the truth, we didn't belong together.

   It must have been tough living a lie. Wanting out and still continuing.

   Every relationship, no matter who falls out of love is damaging to both souls. You get over it finally, but it always leaves scars. Some beautiful, some not so.

   My aim in writing this letter is not to blame you or myself. But, more for thanking you and relieving you of the guilt that your subconscious has or will ever have.

   We both met at a time when we were perfect for each other. We grew apart and that is the way of life. With you, I sang, danced, rejoiced, cried and am a better person because of my past of which you were a major part.

   So, thank you my dear love. Thank you for everything.

Your's Sincerely,
Jessica

DEATH OF A FRIENDSHIP

Eons have been written about breakups, love and even friendships. But what about the death of a friendship? And I don't mean the types where you call each other friends, but in reality just hate each other. No, I mean the type, where each of you have enough secrets to blackmail the other and often a single word or song or incident can trigger a memory to cherish.

What happens when such a relationship breaks off? Maybe you saw it coming, maybe you didn't. Maybe you initiated it, maybe they did. But it is a sad event and often needs to be grieved in the same manner as a death.

And I say this because there have been times when you have lost touch with your friend, but you can always call them or message them and start where you last left. But not when the friendship is dead. That is another story. You can't fight, you can't shout and you can't even cry. And even if you do, the person has stopped caring or shows that they don't care.

And it hurts like crazy. Because what it signifies is that a person who you thought understood you or was your twin or more like a sibling wasn't as invested in the relationship as you. Or that they never understood you in the first place, but you never realised that. Then that's what you get served. You deserved it!

I have lost friendships and people have given upon me. And I still carry the scars of abandonment, even though they took place years ago.

I don't really know why I carry them around, but I still have images, videos and proofs that our friendship not just existed, but thronged and flourished evoking jealously in many. Maybe it is because I need those proofs as reminders, that I am a wonderful person capable of forming bonds - pure and true. Or maybe I am just waiting for the day when I can look at them and not feel an iota of pain.

Well, with time I have realised that in the end you need to live in the present. And only relationships that are honestly worth will survive.

So, the next time your best friend tells you that they do not want to be friends (most often they just ghost you), thank them, then wish them luck and take your time to mourn. Do not contact them unless it's an emergency and hopefully the healing will be faster.

Like I believe, death of a friendship is not the end, but a beautiful opportunity to start afresh with someone else.

THE STORY OF US

"I want to breakup," Stan said.

Lauren knew things weren't going well for the couple, who had just started dating recently. The more efforts she tried to put in, the more he cringed and pulled away. But she always hoped that he would stay. They had been at her house and Stan was just about to leave when he confessed this to her.

"I don't understand," she said standing still.

"It's just not working out. I fear all the time that either one of us will hurt the other. I can't live this way Lauren".

The girl stood there for a few seconds trying to think of something to say. Then a few moments later she calmly said, "I understand. It was lovely getting to know you the past couple of weeks anyways. Take care."

While Stan just looked at her, she stepped forward and lightly pecked him on his cheek .

"Take care," said Stan and walked out the door.

Lauren went to shut the door behind him and started crying.

*

"Lauren, I don't know anything. We are going to the mall," shouted Steffeny.

"Remind me why I let you bully me," Lauren asked jokingly.

"Because I am your best friend and you haven't stepped out in a week since your breakup," Steff said.

"Liar. You see me at work everyday, don't you?" justified Lauren.

"Yes, I do. But that's not going out. Anyways, I have to do some shopping for the wedding," Steff said.

"Nice try! Your wedding shopping doesn't start until another month. But let's go out. I am feeling strong today, ready to face the world," Lauren said confidentially.

The two girls went to the mall and were window shopping together when Lauren spotted Stan walking towards them. She quickly did a U turn.

"Run. It's him," she said to Steff.

"What? Where?" Steff wanted to know.

"Just come along," Lauren said and quickly got into a sportswear shop. As Lauren hid behind footballs and hockey sticks, Steff asked, "You can't run away from him like that. Did he see you?"

"I don't think so," Lauren said.

They waited for a few minutes, aimlessly looking at the gears. Bored, Steff finally said, "I think he's gone by now. What happened to the strong girl who was ready to face the world?"

"I was talking about a world without him," Lauren said while walking out of the shop.

*

"It's not funny anymore. That happened more than a month ago. And you are still pulling my leg for it," said Lauren shouting at a door.

Steff was on the other side of the changing room. She opened the door and popped her head out, "Can you hand me the red lace one? Thank you. Stepping in this mall just triggers my laughter, can't help it".

When Steff came out of the room, Lauren asked her, "Did you like any?"

When Steff nodded in a negative, the other one stated, "We have finished all your wedding shopping. Only this is left. What's the problem?"

"I don't know, I am not finding any of these lingeries sexy," confessed Steff.

"For that my dear friend, you need someone apt to model them. Let me try and help you," Lauren said and just wore the brassiere over her T-shirt and posed. Raising an eyebrow, she asked, "Sexy, isn't it?"

When Steff nodded her head, Lauren tried another one and posed like before. The two girls were pleasantly goofing about enjoying themselves when suddenly Steff exclaimed, "Damn, isn't that Stan standing outside?"

Both the girls headed closer to the glass door and realised it was him.

"Do you think he saw us acting like fools?" Lauren asked her best friend.

"Well, you should check with him," Steff said.

Just then Stan waved a slow hi to the girls.

Both the girls moved behind. Then Lauren removed the bra she was wearing over her T-shirt and handed it to Steff. "Here, wish me luck," saying so she stepped out of the shop and walked towards Stan who was leaning towards the railing outside.

"Hi," Lauren said and pecked him on his cheek.

"Goofing around you two as always," stated Stan.

"This is so embarrassing. You saw everything, didn't you?"

"I found it cute. You don't need to feel embarrassed".

"Don't tell me your new hobby is to stand outside lingerie shops and peep inside," she joked.

"Mom's inside that shop," he said pointing to the make-up store next to theirs. "I was just waiting," he justified.

"OK...Well, it was good seeing you. I got to head back, Steff needs me," she said.

"Well, I... I have missed you Lauren. Do you think we could meet again, deliberately?"

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

"Yes!"

"I will think about it, but you will have to make up for it," she said and winked.

Before he could say more, she ran back inside to join an excited Steff.

WHEN HE SAYS HE WANTS TO BREAKUP

"Hey baby," said Myra and gave Jenil a kiss on the cheek as soon as she entered the house.

"How come you are back so early? I was expecting you to call me around midnight," said Jenil.

"As the pressure was mounting at work today, I felt like I could think of only two places to run. My house and yours. So, I called it a day and," she gave him a hug and realised that her boyfriend wasn't reciprocating as usual. So she asked him, "What's the matter?"

"Let's sit and talk," he said and took her to the dining table.

"I can't do this any more. We cant be lovers any more," Jenil said plainly.

Myra quietly inspected his face, which was devoid of any emotions. After being in a relationship for 2 years, she thought she knew him too well. Though lately, he had been acting a bit cold, she had dismissed it as a phase. When she realized he was serious, she got up and said, "Wait. Just hold that thought".

She walked towards the bar and poured some whiskey for herself in a glass. She gulped the whole thing down in one go, then poured herself a larger peg. With the glass in one hand, Myra returned to her original seat. She put the glass on the table, but still held onto it. Then she said, "Continue".

Jenil was baffled with her behaviour, but collecting his thoughts, he said, "I know you want to get married and I don't want to build up your hopes. I can't give you that".

"So, what are you suggesting?" Myra asked him calmly.

"We could be friends," said Jenil

Myra started laughing loudly, almost a maniacal laugh. It was hard for Jenil to gauge whether her laughter was genuine or not. Then she suddenly stopped.

"Damn. I just wish I could blame this on someone, anyone. Me, maybe," she said.

"No, Myra. It's not you. It's just that I don't feel the same way about you anymore," confessed Jenil.

Looking at his concerned face, she said, "You always said I understand you better that you know yourself. You my dear Jaan are an emotional fool. And you don't need to give me any reasons because frankly even you don't know why you want to breakup with me. It's just a feeling and you are acting on it. Your emotional side, I adored how you could feel more passionately than others."

"Here," she said pushing her glass towards him, while he looked at her still confused.

"You are not in your senses, Myra".

"Me," she said and then pointing her hand towards herself and moving it from head to toe, she continued, "this is as alive and focused as I can be. You on the other hand are being played by your emotions. I mean, you are just scared of disappointing me... A part of you thinks that I will eventually leave you. So, you are just protecting yourself".

"I...I" tried to defend Jenil.

"What you could have done, instead of giving up was to find the reason to fight on. Maybe I could have helped or maybe not. Whose to say! I have been difficult at times too and we have had our share of problems, but who doesn't? We are a lot better than many of our friends".

She got up and walked towards the exit. Jenil followed her. She opened the door and walked back towards him. She gave him a tight hug and a deliberate kiss. Holding him on his arms, she said, "I will send someone to collect my things tomorrow. Keep them ready". Then she walked away.

A FAILED RELATIONSHIP

As I looked at the remains of one more failed relationship, I smiled.

I wasn't so strong yet that the rejection didn't matter. The last time it happened, I had promised myself that I wouldn't drive myself crazy over a guy.

And yet months later, I found myself falling madly over this one. He was confident, smart with a sexy voice. I often wondered how he could still be single.

He blamed it on his emotional clutches. Hey! I too had them. I was overly sensitive and being in a relationship gave me anxiety attacks.

I thought we were doing good, until he sent me a text that read we couldn't be anything any more. It was a sweet text, don't judge him. Any ways, we were in a long distant relationship and this was the only way we communicated.

This time I was handling things better. It hurt and the first night, I found it difficult to breathe, when my thoughts ran to him. But I didn't see myself walking as a zombie. True, the guy was a gem and losing him should have felt like the end of the universe. But it didn't.

He was practical. Some girl broke his heart and he wanted to play it safe. I was the opposite. Boys had broken my heart and I still believed in love. Hell I went one step further, I seeked vulnerability in a relationship.

So now that it was over, I listened to songs that were peppy. And while walking to work today, I felt a bit bad when I saw a cute couple strolling hand in hand. But, each new day gives me hope.

Hope of finding the right one. The one who is as quirky as me, who listens to Alaine De Botton and accepts that everybody is a little crazy.

As for my ex. I am thankful he was in my life. Because he taught me a lesson or two on self belief and life. And I do genuinely hope he finds a good girl who can help him with his clutches.

But this is my story, so here's to me and my journey on finding the right one.

WHY WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER

"Liz, what the hell are you writing at 2 in the morning?"  asked Sasha to her flatmate.

Sasha had to gone to sleep in her room after dinner and when she had last spoken to Liz, the girl was planning to go to sleep as well. Liz was the early sleeper, so seeing her awake was a little alarming for Sasha, who had got up for a glass of water.

"Can't you see I am writing a letter?" Liz said irritatedly, then continued to write.

"My prehistoric beauty, who is the lucky receiver of this letter now?" Sasha asked standing just behind Liz.

"I am writing it to Andy," said Liz.

"Wow. So it's a love letter. So cute," said Sasha excitedly.

"No. It's not."

"Then which one? You have already done the - 'why I love him' letter, so it can't be that. Then?" Sasha asked baffled

"If you are trying to pull my leg then it's genuinely not funny."

"No Liz, seriously I don't know any person who writes a list of things they like about their partner. I mean, who does that?"

"I do that. And I have explained you the reason a no. of times. But you never get the idea, do you?"

"Well, don't you always look at the list when you are too angry with Andy?" said Sasha and went into the kitchen to get a glass and a bottle of water. She kept it on the table where Liz was writing. Then she sat on the chair opposite to her friend and said, "I know the reason and the funda behind it. Been with you longer than Andy and the two before him".

Liz just looked up, smiled and went back to her writing. Sasha drank the water and kept the glass and bottle in the kitchen. But curiosity was killing her, so she sat opposite to Liz again.

"You are doing that staring thing, aren't you? If I tell you, will you leave me alone?" asked Liz.

"Promise," said Sasha excitedly.

"Fine. It's the 'Why we can't be together' letter. In short, its a detailed break up letter".

"You are breaking up with Andy? Honestly, I am not surprised by the way things were going, but could you please do it personally rather than through a letter. Remember how crushing it was when no. 2 did it to me, by text," intervened Sasha. She was about to continue but stopped on seeing the stern manner in which Liz was looking at her.

"Idiot. I know how soul crushing that can be. I am planning to meet and talk it out with him, but the letter explains the real reasons why. I know on his face, I wont be able to say the true reason. No one can! I am being my honest self in this," said Liz.

"I don't understand," said Sasha.

"Well, too often we breakup and give shitty reasons for it. People say things like - its not you, it's me or I will always love you or my parents aren't agreeing - Blah blah blah. Any rubbish shit as long as it makes the other one feel OK and you not a villain in their eyes. But in the long run, it doesn't help. We are still broken and as much damaged," said Liz.

"So, where does the letter come in?"

"Honestly, I am just writing the truth of why we shouldn't be together and why I want to break up. It also has some of his quirks that I don't like and some of mine that he hates. Reasons enough for him to move on and hopefully learn something," said Liz

"You are crazy," said Sasha

"Nope. It's the most sane thing I have ever done. Try it the next time you breakup with someone. He will thank you and you will thank me. Now please leave," said Liz and continued writing.

WHAT DOES MY DREAM MEAN?

"I don't know how dreams can be regressing. You think you have learnt to let go of your past. But BAM! one bad dream and you are sucked back into it," said Lily to her therapist.

"Did you see something in your dreams?" asked Dr. Harper as he sat opposite to the couch where Lily was lying, writing his notes.

"I saw him in my dream. HIM, Dr Harper. HIM and I could touch and feel him besides me," said Lily.

"Tell me about this dream of yours," said Dr. Harper.

"I was sitting with him in my school and all our friends were there. But we were not kids, just grown up versions of ourselves. I was late or something and he had one seat besides him, yet I chose to go past him and sit a few rows away. I knew he had blocked that seat for me," said Lily.

"How did you know that he had blocked the seat for you?"

"There was a newspaper kept on the seat. Wait, now I am confused. Was the paper kept there before or did I keep it while crossing him?" wondered Lily.

"You don't recollect?" questioned Harper.

Ignoring his question, Lily continued describing her dream.

"Then the bell rang and all students ran away, except us two. I was ignoring him, probably angry at something and he was furious that I hadn't sit next to him. Yet he got up from his seat to come and sit right opposite, facing me. He had the newspaper in his hand and started to read. I just sat there observing his face," confessed Lily.

"What were you feeling at the time?" interrupted Harper.

"Anger and then love. I slowly rubbed my hand to his arm, gently, very gently. But he continued reading the newspaper. Oh! Dr. Harper, why couldn't the dream stop just there. I touched him after three whole years," said Lily.

"Continue..." pushed Dr. Harper.

"I think I too started reading the paper. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, this girl in her early 20s walks in the class with a tiffin in hand," said Lily.

"It was his wife that you saw, didn't you?" quizzed Dr. Harper.

"I am not sure, but it must have been her. Or a personification of her. Anyways, she came and stood next to him and I realised I didn't belong there anymore. So I quietly got up and walked out of the classroom, closing the door behind me. I think I was smiling," said Lily.

"What were your thoughts that time?" asked Dr. Harper.

"Quite serene. No anger, no disappointment, no love and no noise. I would call it rather peaceful," said Lily.

"OK," said Dr. Harper and closed his book. Then he continued to speak, "I am happy for you Lily. You have finally found your closure. Come, let's have some tea".

Lily was surprised. She sat up, but refused to leave the couch. Dr. Harper too continued sitting in his chair.

"What, you still haven't got it? I thought you were more intelligent than that," teased Dr. Harper.

"Come on, don't be such a pig," said Lily.

"So, no tea?" asked Dr. Harper and then closed his eyes and pretended to ignore her. Lily realised it was futile talking to him any further, so she lay back on the couch and started contemplating everything.

After a few good minutes, she got up and went near Dr. Harper.

"Dr. Harper, I got it, I finally got it," she rejoiced.

"Then tea it is".

SCARED TO LOVE, AGAIN!

"Hello".

"Hey M. What happened to you? Everyone's trying to get hold of you from the last two days and you seem to be unavailable," said Rita.

"Nothing like that," said Maria.

"OK, I believe you. Now open the door, I am standing right outside," said Rita.

"Damn," said Maria under her breadth. She quickly got up and ran to the washroom. Throwing some water on her face, she wiped it. Spraying a little perfume, she went to open the main door.

"What took you so long? I have been standing here since the Queen was born," said Rita.

"Shushhh! Keep your voice down. My head is aching. What will you have?" Maria asked.

The elder girl took out two glasses and poured some wine in it. Then she cut some cheese and kept it on the table. She offered one to Rita.

"M, look at the time. Who drinks wine at this early hour?" asked Rita.

Still holding the glasses, Maria questioned, "So, you don't want it?"

"No, I didn't mean that," said Rita taking one of the glasses from Maria's hand.

Rita had parked herself on the couch, so Maria sat opposite to her.

"Who sent you here? Dad, mom or your husband and my younger brother - Dan?" quizzed Maria.

"No one M. I just came to meet you," confessed Rita.

Maria smiled and answered, "You Liar! I know you guys too well. Stop checking on me. I promised you all I am moving on and I am. Just the other day, a friend asked me out and I accepted". Rita was just nodding her head, so Maria continued, "So, I am going to meet him, enjoy myself and it will be like today didn't happen".

At the end of her last sentence, Maria picked up her glass, raised it towards Rita and drank the whole wine in one go. Then she proceeded to pour herself another glass. Catching her hand to stop, Rita asked her, "You have been drinking from the last two days, haven't you?"

Maria didn't want to answer the question. She pulled her hand out and kept the bottle away knowing quiet well that Rita had hit the nail.

"I am scared, Rita. It felt like I was betraying Richard when I said yes to this guy," Maria explained.

Rita got up from her seat to sit next to Maria. Holding her hand sha said, "Richard died two years ago. He is gone and you need to move on. He would want it for you. You have every right to pursue happiness".

"But I don't even know if this guy is happiness," said Maria.

"You never know until you try, M. When are you meeting him?" asked Rita.

"Today evening. But I was planning to cancel it".

"No, you aren't going to do that. Instead, you are going to dress up and look a million dollars and you aren't going to run away, if he flirts," scolded Rita.

"I can't," said Maria.

"Of course, you can. We will take one step at a time. Dad, mim, Dan and I will be there by your side at each step, like always".