HOW DARE YOU FORGET?

We all have bad episodes in our lives. People, incidents, days that we want to put behind us and never remember, right? And while you may occasionally forget your good friends birthday, each year that bad memory will pop up in your mind without fail.

My luck loves to mock me ruthlessly. So the year I think I have overcome an evil, there is always that friend, the one who has seen you suffering and supported you throughout the ordeal, in all his/her naivety question you about it.

Friend: That incident, it's today. I hope you have forgotten it.

Me: I don't care any more.

Friend: Good girl. Because you know it's about time you overcame it. It doesn't hurt you right?

Me: Let's not talk about it.

Friend: Why?

And then I get a whole lecture about the memory. Every tiny detail, every tiny folly rubbed on my face with little care to the excruciating pain I am going through. But hey, that's what friends do. They help you become stronger!

*Is story ke sab patr imaginary hai. Any similarity to anyone is highly regretted. Not.

WHEN LI MET RISH - THE RUNAWAY GIRL

"Hi."

"Hi."

"You are Liza, right?"

"Yes."

"I am Rishabh. But you can call me whatever you want."

"OK, Whatever You Want."

"Funny girl! You don't talk much, do you?"

"Not while eating, no!"

"No, really! I have been observing you for the past few days. You don't mingle with anyone from office."

"And to what may I owe your attention and stalking skills?"

"It is part of my job as an HR intern."

"I am pretty sure that's not what HR does."

"Maybe. Maybe not."

"OK, listen. I have to get back to researching a piece for one of the writers. I hope you enjoy your meal.”

"Sure. What are you researching about?"

"How to avoid a nosy colleague."

Fake laughter from my side, while I guess his was real.

"I am pretty sure that's not what you have to research about."

"Maybe, maybe not."

I got up to leave.

"You fascinate me very very much, Miss Baker."

"The feeling is mutual, dear Sir."

I took a bow and left. And that is how we met. He did admit to me much later that he was very nervous talking to me. But I can swear on the sacred sun, he didn’t appear as such. He was cheeky, nosy and appeared over-confident. Honestly, I had already put him on my dislike list. 

I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE STAYED

It's Saturday night. While doing my quarterly cleaning in the morning, I had stumbled upon a photo album of mine from my school days. As I flipped through the pages, I recalled a conversation that I had had with a friend, who was elder and wiser to me then. Marvelling at my friend circle, he had said, "Li, enjoy these friendships while they last". I had cursed him then, and I do even today. I should have paid more attention to his words.

It was the the early 2000s. Those were the pre-social media days when my not-so-smart mobile was only used for calling or messaging. Often, my mom had to drag me to sit and eat food because I was on my phone talking to my bestie. I wish I could get back those simpler times when a friend wasn't busy to talk, chat or act goofy with you.

Because as much as I tried, one by one they left. Some got married, while some changed. Hell, I evolved too. I made new friends, at college, work, gym, at random places. And each time I learned, friends leave. Even the oldest ones. And while your heart breaks each time, some more than others, the wise thing is to let them go, with a smile.

The only regret I have is I never told them how much they meant to me at the peak of our friendship. If only I could go back and tell them, give a hug, maybe they would still be around. Just maybe.

I don't know. Today, as I look through my album, and the people that don't exist in my life I wonder whether I could have done something to make them stay. A few at least. Because in this fast-paced, technology-driven lives that we live, with 700 facebook friends, I still feel all alone. I miss Sam's contagious laughter, Vaishu's cooking tips, Steve's reassurances and Bubble's comforting embraces. And what I would give anything to get them back. If only.

WHAT TO REPLY WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THEY ARE SAD

I hate the way love is portrayed in movies. Not all, but most of them. It's like a fight between romanticism and realism and I would like to blame the former for adding unrealistic and fancy expectations on the big shoulders of love.

I can go on and on about it. But let me give you one example and maybe follow it up later with more posts.

This is a conversation between me and a guy who is trying to pursue me.

Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: What happened to your whatsapp profile pic, why is it so sad?
(The image you see in this post is my current profile. It's the one I often put when I am in a bad mood. Most friends know not to message me when I put the image. It's my DND)
Me: Because that is how I feel.
Him: Awhhhh. I am feeling so bad for you. Don't be sad. You being sad makes me sad too.
Me:
I don't reply for the next few minutes after seeing the message.
What I want to message him is this.
'Why the hell are you sad? I mean it's my right to feel whatever I want and sadness is as much a part of our lives as is happiness. So chill.'

I didn't send that message to him thankfully. As you can see, he wouldn't get it. He would think I am just another girl going through PMS or something like that. It would be difficult to make him understand and lead to a fight. I don't like unnecessary and wasted fights. So this is what I finally messaged.

Me: Hey. While I appreciate your concern, rest assured my sadness has nothing to do with you. It is a phase that I dwell in sometimes and will let you know when I feel better.
Him: OK

Thank heavens he didn't say anything more. See this is where romanticism kills everything. Me in a sad mood is my prerogative.  It may or may not be something to do with my partner. Romanticism says if he loves you he will understand you. That is why I am supposed to not say a word and let him scratch his head to decipher why I am sad. Because just telling him would be too realistic and maybe that is not love.

This is how I would react if someone said they were sad.
Me: It's OK to feel sad. Is there anything I can do to help?

It's practical. Maybe the person may not tell me then and there what their problem is, but the least they will know is there is someone out there to help them. All they have to do is ask.

It's not perfect and I change my answers depending on each case. But I am learning to be a realist in a world that is full of romantics. There are times when I have to remind myself why I switched sides. See I am doing it even now. But believe me it's far less painful than being a romantic in the Bollywood/Hollywood sense.

AAJ JAANE KI ZID NA KARO - A SHORT STORY

I often see reruns of movies that I like. Tonight I had been watching scenes that had friendship as an important theme in unrequited love. Once I was done, I looked at the time. 12 am. I dialled Robin's number. He was the Alizeh to my Ayaan.

“Hey,” he uttered.

Oh, his voice! It made my heart melt each time he spoke. I reply with a hey myself.

“Everything Ok with you?” he inquired.

“I just wanted to hear your voice. It’s been days, since we last spoke,” I answer honestly.

“Oh good. But you are alright, na?” he questioned again.

“Yes, I am fine. Are you busy or can you talk?” I asked.

“Actually, I was just about to sleep. Can I call you tomorrow?” he replied.

I know he will falter. The number of hours and days I had waited for him to keep his promises.

“Mujhe tumhare baato pe aitbaar nahin hai,” I said.

He has always had a way with words. His poetry on occasions had made me swoon. But my bluntness left him speechless. You need to know the whole context of our lives to understand him, me and our friendship.

“I can’t believe you just said that,” he finally stated.

“Ha-ha. You don’t have an answer to that?” I challenged him, just to keep the conversation going.

“I do. Just give me a moment,” he responded.

I wait. Then he finally said, “Hmm… I give up. Can’t think of anything to say right now”.

“Let me help you,” I propose. I was clueless about what I wanted to say next. But I let my heart guide me.

“Mujhpe tujhe aitbaar na raha,

Iska mujhe koi gum nahi,

Gila sirf is baat ka hai,

Ke tere bharose ka muhje koi khayal na raha”

I was just jabbing. I screwed up as I could feel the coldness from the other side. It got broken by the clear sound of his hearty laughter a few seconds later.

“Listen, just go to sleep,” I say, a little embarrassed.

“Goodnight and I will call you tomorrow”.

“Good night,” I signed off and cut the call.

Softly I sang a song, “Aaj jaane ki zid na karo”.

OF LIVING

As I looked at her with her head bent awkwardly and resting on her legs, I imagined how uncomfortable it would be to sleep in such a manner on your seat. We were all travelling in a local train. She with her group and me without mine. On her shoulder rested a motherly arm of one of her elderly gang members. She was young, more than me. But while we have age on our side, it's the exhaustion of expectations that weighs us down. Of living unto our full potential. But what if you don't know what that is or how to get it.

I know people say life is this and life is that. But I think the sole purpose of life is to find who you are in this life, while you are still alive, breathing.

TILL WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - A LOVE STORY

Rushali had a window seat and was waiting for the train to start. Being a starting station, usually the train waited a good 10 minutes, filled up and then left. On most days she started reading her kindle or some article as soon as she got a seat, on certain days she took a nap as the journey was a good hour long.

But today was different. She was contemplating the futility of her job, the travel, the hours spent all while looking at people rushing towards her train to get in.

Her chain of thoughts was broken when a smartly dressed guy asked her, "Till Where is this train going?"

"What?"

"Miss, what's the last stop on this train?" the stranger repeated his question while standing on the outer side of the window.

"It's Churchtown. Fast. And you better get in or you won't get a place," she told him.

"Thank you," he said and walked passed her window to the gents compartment.

The next day she was looking out of the train window thinking about the interaction, when she spotted the same guy again. He slowly walked passed her window and looking at her gave her a smile.

The third day she looked out of the train again for him and this time for the second time as he walked past her window he gave her a smile. This continued for a week. He smiled each time and she kept staring. Not once did he give up though.Then he disappeared for two days and Rushali realised that the high point to her travel the past week was this acknowledgement by the stranger. So when she saw him again, as he passed by her window, she slowly waved her hand at him in a hello. The following day, he waved back and this continued for a few days.

Damn Rush, what are you thinking? Where is this going? What's wrong with you? He could be a psycho. You are a psycho.

All kinds of thoughts started running through her mind.

Should I approach him? What if he is married? He is so cute. I have to stop this.

So she changed her compartment. But she missed him more than usual. In love's absence the heart grows fonder. A week later, as she sat next to the window again in her new place, she immediately closed her eyes and started repeating to her self.

He was just a phase. All is well.
He was just a phase. All is well.
He was just a phase. All is well.

"Till where are you going?" she heard someone ask.

Rushali knew the voice. She opened her eyes to look out of her window to see the same stranger, smiling.

"Till the end," she said as a tear rolled down her cheeks.

"Me too," he said smiling again and continued, "will you wait for me at the station or disappear again?"

"Rushali," she said keeping her palm flat on the wire mesh in the window.

"Uday," he said placing his palm onto hers.

WHAT'S IN A FAITH? - A LOVE STORY

"I am not religious, used to be, but not anymore," he said.

"Spiritual?" she asked.

"You can call me that," he said

"Okay," she said with a deliberate pause. He didn't sound spiritual at all. But she didn't care much since faith, religion and the likes hadn't played an important role in her life at all.

This was their first date together and the two hit it off immediately. At first they met every month, then every two weeks, then every week and they were soon in a relationship.

"Do you have to go?" she asked him as they were sitting enjoying lunch.

"You know I attend the prayers every Thursday," he said

"Isn't there anything I could do to make you stay?" she questioned.

"You know the answer to that," he said.

"You know when we met a year ago, you said you weren't religious," she paused and waited. When she knew all his attention was on her, she continued, "I think you lied. You are more religious than most people I know".

He smiled, "I don't think it should matter to you much. You don't believe in these things anyways. We have managed so far, haven't we?"

"Yes. We both ignore what the other is doing in terms of faith. How sweet is that!" she said sarcastically.

"What are you scared of? We both love each other and that is what is more important".

She kept quiet. This was the first time either one of them had used the L word.

Five years and a kid later, they were having fights everyday, so they went to a marriage counselor.

"I can't do this anymore. This pretending. It's affecting baby in a bad way too, he doesn't belong anywhere," she said to him sitting in front of the counselor.

"I can't believe this. We are married for life. You can't just give up like that. And anyways, for baby to belong anywhere, he needs to know his scriptures. Everytime I take him to the prayer house, we fight and you say things that are just opposite to what the priest says. The kid is getting confused," he retaliated.

"I married a guy who believed more in our love than his faith. It's been 5 years and I can't see that man anymore. All I see is a father who is more concerned about teaching his son his faith than anything else," she confessed.

"Well, he needs to know something about his faith," he said.

"His faith! His faith! Baby doesn't have a faith! Remember, we decided we would let him decide for himself when he grew up. Nope, you don't remember anything at all. You know nothing but your faith," she shouted.

"I don't think it should matter to you much what baby follows anyways, since you don't believe in these things. We have managed so far, haven't we?" he said.

She had heard this same dialogue earlier and knew how things would go. She hadn't realised but having no beliefs had now become a faith too. She had to decide what was important to her. He was right, if she didn't believe in any faith, then it shouldn't have mattered. She loved him and the baby more than anything. The fights stopped.

She let him teach the baby all about his faith. Occasionally she had her reservations, but they were happy together not letting faith come in between. When baby was in his teens, he chose to unfollow his father's faith. At first he was angry, but then realised that the son knew the difference between right and wrong, was caring and was turning into a fine young man. Rest mattered less. 

In the end love won.

GRANDPA'S GIRLFRIEND

"You never told us about your first love, grandpa," said Atharva.

"I haven't? That's weird. Are you sure?" asked Grandpa.

Atharva nodded in a positive and the old man knew that the adolescent would pester him till he got a reply.

"We were neighbours. She stayed on the ground floor and me on the top. For years I had observed her quietly as she was friends with my sister-in-law and often visited our house. She was unlike the other girls around with fire in her eyes. But I had never spoken to her," said Grandpa.

"Never! Why? This is so sad, Grandpa," said Atharva.

"I liked her, so the moment she came in front of me, I would start blushing and would run away to my room".

"Wow. Those times were sure special, Grandpa," said Atharva.

"I know Athu. At 16, you already have a girlfriend, while at 21 I was in love and couldn't confess it to her," said Grandpa.

"So, when did Grandma come into the picture?" asked Atharva.

"Let's go chronologically, shall we?" asked Grandpa.

Atharva nodded, so the old man continued, "My sister-in-law was very clever. She realised my weird behaviour around our neighbour, so she asked me about it. When I told her the truth, she informed me that talks were already going on for her marriage, so I needed to do something immediately".

"This is getting worse, Grandpa".

"I know. And I felt worse. But I didn't do a thing at all. Just moved about like a tragic hero".

"Then what happened?" asked Atharva, but the old man had stopped the story as he saw his wife walking towards them. The old lady sat on the sofa next to her husband.

"So what are you two talking about?" Grandma asked.

"Grandpa was telling me about his first love," said Atharva.

The old woman looked at her husband and said, "It's been years since I heard this myself. Go on".

"You know about this Grandma?" Atharva asked.

"Yes," smiled Grandma and lovingly looked at her husband.

"Well, on a certain day, we just stumbled into each other on the steps," said Grandpa, then paused as he could see his grandson listening intendly. 

"Come on, Grandpa. Continue," said Atharva.

"I was looking like shit because for the first time ever, she spoke to me and asked - Are you OK?" said Grandpa.

"It was the long beard and the blood shot eyes. The poor girl was scared to hell," joked Grandma.

"Thats so not true," said Grandpa frowning at his wife. Then he continued, "I looked at her beautiful face and as of by magic words poured out of me for the first time. I said - I  am not OK. You are getting married to someone else and I cannot digest that. I love you".

"Wow. This was epic, Grandpa. What did she say?" questioned Atharva.

"Are you ready to marry me?" stated Grandma.

"And I said - Any day," said Grandpa and smiled.

"Then what happened, Grandpa?" asked Atharva.

"Lots of drama. We both spoke to our respective families. In the end, everything was sorted and the same year we got married," said Grandpa holding his wife's hand.

"I had always liked him. In fact, going to meet his sister-in-law was always an excuse to see him," said Grandma.

"What? So all this while you were talking about Grandma! Why didn't you say so earlier?" asked Atharva.

"More fun this way," said Grandpa, laughing loudly.

Atharva got up from his chair and went across to give his grandparents a hug, "Happy 50th Anniversary you two".

EMMA & STEPHEN

He touches his hair with his right hand. Stephen needs a haircut actually, but he is planning to grow his hair till his occupation allows him to. Wants to prove to people that he is a rebel. I look at him quietly eating his salad as we are in the restaurant. He realises it. Suddenly I am the one he has shifted his attention upon.

"Something on my face?" he asks.

I nod in the negative.

"Then?"

Should I tell him? I nod again and he returns to his food. On his last morsel he signals the waiter for the menu.

"Dessert?" he asks.

I nod again. I should tell him something at least.

"You are mighty quiet tonight. What happened?"

"Work stress" I lie.

"Isn't it always? I mean we are hustlers Emma, each trying to succeed the way we can. Don't beat yourself over it," he advises.

I nod again. I need to tell him.

"I want to go dancing with you," I finally open up to him.

"I can't dance and you know that," he replies.

"I can and I am a very good teacher," I confess.

"We'll see," he diverts.

I look at my watch while he is ordering some ice-cream. He notices.

"Is it getting late?"

"Nope"

He looks at his watch, then exclaims, "It's nearly 11! Why didn't you say something? But dont worry, I will drop you home".

I smiled. If only he knew what I was thinking. Time really didn't matter to me.

"Emma, you are doing that thing again. Hello! Where are you lost?"

"I like you," I blurted out.

"What?"

"I like you. I know we decided to remain friends, but I can't control myself from liking you. Do you like..."

Just then the waiter got the desserts in. Wrong timing dude. 

We quietly ate our ice-creams, not glancing at each other at all. When we were done, the bill came in and we split it like always.

I should ask him again. But I didn't say a word.

As we stepped out of the restaurant, he asked, "Do you want to hail an Uber or walk?"

My house was walking distance and I didn't want us to part so soon. What if I never see him again?

"Call it from my place. We can walk till there," I said.

He nodded and we started walking side by side, in silence.

Dammit. Screwed this big time. Should have kept my mouth shut. But couldn't, could I?

My thoughts went back and forth as we continued strolling.

"Emma. Emma," he caught me by my arm, "your laces have come undone".

I stared at his face again. We had stopped walking now. As I stood there trying to fathom his words, he quickly bent down and tied my laces. Then getting up he gave me the tightest hug.

"I adore you, my lost monkey. A.D.O.R.E. A little more than 'your like' and a little less than love."

Tears of joy rolled down my cheeks as we then continued walking, but this time hand in hand.

ALWAYS - AN UNCONVENTIONAL LOVE STORY

As she stood amongst a crowd of students her age, she felt lost in the chatter. Nervously she touched the right strap of her college bag. Nothing she wanted more than to run away, but she had enlisted to attend the festival along with a few of her batch mates, people who she didn't relate to and here she was. 

Three of her batch mates approached her. She smiled. Yes. No. They talked in monosyllables. Then they left her standing alone in the middle of the crowded registration hall.

She looked around in the crowd, a stranger was staring at her. She looked at him from top to bottom. He was smartly dressed with a camera in his hand.

Why is he staring at me like that? I will punch his face if he takes my pic. she looked away. A minute later he had disappeared.

There were going to be speeches by authors, actors, directors and the likes, music, dancing and what nots spread across three days and she had already marked the events she wanted to attend. In between she would catch up on that book she was reading. Now all she needed was a quiet corner where she could read Shakespeare. Outside the main hall, at the entrance.

It was the first day and she had already attended two events and the third one was after an hour. So she quickly grabbed a bite and sat to read her ebook. Midway she heard someone ask, "Can I?"

She said, "Yes," without looking up.

Next she heard a shutter sound and realised someone had clicked her pic.

"Hey! You can't take my picture without my permission," she protested angrily.

It was the same formal guy.

"I asked you and you said yes," he replied back holding his camera.

"I thought you were asking permission to sit".

"Well, you shouldn't be so preoccupied like that".

"Fine. But can you delete my image?"

"Give me one reason why," he said smiling

"For obvious reasons dude".

"Some girls beg me to take their images".

"I am not 'Some'".

"Then who are you?"

"Sameera," she said putting her hand forward.

"Dev," he said shaking hands with her.

Time went by fast as both of them started chatting, sitting next to each other. He was a student like her, but instead of writing, which was her specialty, his was photography. He was just leaving the festival when he had spotted her, sitting quietly in the corner, reading. Serene. Unlike the image she was in the morning when he had first spotted her. Then she left him to attend the last event, while he left for home.  

The next day her eyes searched for him, but he was nowhere to be found. After lunch, she found her self standing near the entrance and looking at her batch mates talking just outside the entrance.

"Sameera, come here. Shailaja is telling us how she met her boyfriend. Don't stand there alone, come here," shouted one of them.

Gossip! Breathe Sam, Breathe.

She slowly walked towards the group and stood there listening to one of the girls describing about her first encounter with her guy, while the remaining asked her questions occasionally.

Sameera wasn't paying attention. The feeling of running away came back to her. Short talk and gossip felt frivolous to the introvert. She looked around and saw a known face and ran towards him.

"I thought you said you were not going to come," she told him.

"I said I wasn't sure," said Dev.

"So what brought you back?" she asked.

"I met someone back here yesterday and was hoping she would allow me to click her image."

"I thought you already took one of her's".

"I deleted that".

"Why?"

"Because she hadn't given me permission for it".

"And what makes you think she will give you permission now?"

"I saw her standing miserably next to that group and then running towards me, happily. As if I had just rescued her".

She laughed loudly. Then catching his arm, she recited,
"In this stupid chaos,
my ears seek silence.
When this world gossips,
I search  the truth.
I am lost and yet
you have found me.
And now you want to
capture my essence?
But I ask thee,
my dear sir,
will you be able to do justice
to me?"

He leaned towards her and softly whispered in her ears, "Always".

P.S: It's been a year since #BNLF and this one has been inspired by the event that introduced me to wonderful friends. #Missing you guys. 

LETTER TO MY EX THAT I WILL NEVER POST

Dearest Shaun,

          

   On good days, I am thankful for our relationship, laughing on the lessons that I have learnt from it. On bad days, I wonder about my life had we still been together. And though in all sense, I know that we broke up for the developing cracks, the lost love and other factors, these things don't stop me from questioning - what if.

   The initial days after our breakup were tough. I don't recall if I cried, but I think I did. I was hurt and disappointed. Add to it, I felt betrayed. My negative emotions came from what I believed we could have worked things out. Later, it was more for feeling that you should have been more honest about your feelings and told me the truth, we didn't belong together.

   It must have been tough living a lie. Wanting out and still continuing.

   Every relationship, no matter who falls out of love is damaging to both souls. You get over it finally, but it always leaves scars. Some beautiful, some not so.

   My aim in writing this letter is not to blame you or myself. But, more for thanking you and relieving you of the guilt that your subconscious has or will ever have.

   We both met at a time when we were perfect for each other. We grew apart and that is the way of life. With you, I sang, danced, rejoiced, cried and am a better person because of my past of which you were a major part.

   So, thank you my dear love. Thank you for everything.

Your's Sincerely,
Jessica

DEATH OF A FRIENDSHIP

Eons have been written about breakups, love and even friendships. But what about the death of a friendship? And I don't mean the types where you call each other friends, but in reality just hate each other. No, I mean the type, where each of you have enough secrets to blackmail the other and often a single word or song or incident can trigger a memory to cherish.

What happens when such a relationship breaks off? Maybe you saw it coming, maybe you didn't. Maybe you initiated it, maybe they did. But it is a sad event and often needs to be grieved in the same manner as a death.

And I say this because there have been times when you have lost touch with your friend, but you can always call them or message them and start where you last left. But not when the friendship is dead. That is another story. You can't fight, you can't shout and you can't even cry. And even if you do, the person has stopped caring or shows that they don't care.

And it hurts like crazy. Because what it signifies is that a person who you thought understood you or was your twin or more like a sibling wasn't as invested in the relationship as you. Or that they never understood you in the first place, but you never realised that. Then that's what you get served. You deserved it!

I have lost friendships and people have given upon me. And I still carry the scars of abandonment, even though they took place years ago.

I don't really know why I carry them around, but I still have images, videos and proofs that our friendship not just existed, but thronged and flourished evoking jealously in many. Maybe it is because I need those proofs as reminders, that I am a wonderful person capable of forming bonds - pure and true. Or maybe I am just waiting for the day when I can look at them and not feel an iota of pain.

Well, with time I have realised that in the end you need to live in the present. And only relationships that are honestly worth will survive.

So, the next time your best friend tells you that they do not want to be friends (most often they just ghost you), thank them, then wish them luck and take your time to mourn. Do not contact them unless it's an emergency and hopefully the healing will be faster.

Like I believe, death of a friendship is not the end, but a beautiful opportunity to start afresh with someone else.

THE TROUBLE IN FINDING A GUY TO MARRY IN LATE 20s

"Hi Aunty! Shalu's there?" asked Ritu to her best friend's mom. She knew the answer to the question, since the two girls had just been chatting.

"In the room," said Aunty letting in Ritu.

Ritu knocked on Shalini's room door and slowly opened it. The other girl was lying on the bed with her eyes closed. Ritu plonked herself besides Shalu and closed her eyes too.

"Why are you here?" asked Shalu.

"You know why I am here," said Ritu.

"I cant offer you any support or advice. I too am in the same f-ing boat, frustrated as hell," confessed Shalu.

"Aunty is driving you crazy as well! What is it - matrimonial sites or personal meet ups?" asked Ritu.

"One followed by another. First you rak your brains over a website, where you have to constantly remind yourself that you are looking for a match and not buying products. It is so difficult to put yourself out there only to be judged by others. And no matter how much these websites talk about giving the girl the preference and security, it is still scary," said Shalu.

"Well, that is the easy part. Once you like someone and decide to meet, there are so many other complications that come up. I have met so many suitors now and yet the awkwardness of meeting the first time remains. Often I feel like a prized good that is being shown to be sold. It's a feeling... I am not putting the blame on my parents or anything," said Ritu.

"I spoke to mom about it. But..."

"I spoke to mom as well. And she said if I had a problem then I should have found someone for myself," said Ritu.

"We tried, didn't we? You dated that engineer, while I dated that hotelier," said Shalu.

"Pretty sure, we would have been thrown out of our houses had we told them we were dating. That time age was on our side . Now it is like whoever we get should be fine, as long as we don't stay single," said Ritu.

"I will be 30 in 2 months and you will be following soon behind," said Shalu.

"I am dreading that number. Don't know what will happen then," said Ritu.

"You know I have started to question my life. Marriage, kids, families..." said Shalu.

"What!" exclaimed Ritu.

"I mean do I really want a marriage? What will it prove anyways? And I realised that society doesn't give women an option to think apart from marriage, kids. They say they are being open and accepting, but the numbers are nomial," said Shalu.

By now Ritu was startled. She couldn't believe what her friend was uttering. So she got up and shook the other girl. "Shalu, are you on drugs or something?"

"You won't understand," said Shalu looking straight at her friend and realising the fact that Ritu didn't want a solution. She was just wanting her best friend to hear her out.

"Stop staring and say something," said Ritu.

"It's sleep deprivation talking. Forget what I said. You haven't yet told me why you came here," said Shalu.

And Ritu animatedly started telling Shalu about the new guy her mother wanted her to meet.

THE STORY OF US

"I want to breakup," Stan said.

Lauren knew things weren't going well for the couple, who had just started dating recently. The more efforts she tried to put in, the more he cringed and pulled away. But she always hoped that he would stay. They had been at her house and Stan was just about to leave when he confessed this to her.

"I don't understand," she said standing still.

"It's just not working out. I fear all the time that either one of us will hurt the other. I can't live this way Lauren".

The girl stood there for a few seconds trying to think of something to say. Then a few moments later she calmly said, "I understand. It was lovely getting to know you the past couple of weeks anyways. Take care."

While Stan just looked at her, she stepped forward and lightly pecked him on his cheek .

"Take care," said Stan and walked out the door.

Lauren went to shut the door behind him and started crying.

*

"Lauren, I don't know anything. We are going to the mall," shouted Steffeny.

"Remind me why I let you bully me," Lauren asked jokingly.

"Because I am your best friend and you haven't stepped out in a week since your breakup," Steff said.

"Liar. You see me at work everyday, don't you?" justified Lauren.

"Yes, I do. But that's not going out. Anyways, I have to do some shopping for the wedding," Steff said.

"Nice try! Your wedding shopping doesn't start until another month. But let's go out. I am feeling strong today, ready to face the world," Lauren said confidentially.

The two girls went to the mall and were window shopping together when Lauren spotted Stan walking towards them. She quickly did a U turn.

"Run. It's him," she said to Steff.

"What? Where?" Steff wanted to know.

"Just come along," Lauren said and quickly got into a sportswear shop. As Lauren hid behind footballs and hockey sticks, Steff asked, "You can't run away from him like that. Did he see you?"

"I don't think so," Lauren said.

They waited for a few minutes, aimlessly looking at the gears. Bored, Steff finally said, "I think he's gone by now. What happened to the strong girl who was ready to face the world?"

"I was talking about a world without him," Lauren said while walking out of the shop.

*

"It's not funny anymore. That happened more than a month ago. And you are still pulling my leg for it," said Lauren shouting at a door.

Steff was on the other side of the changing room. She opened the door and popped her head out, "Can you hand me the red lace one? Thank you. Stepping in this mall just triggers my laughter, can't help it".

When Steff came out of the room, Lauren asked her, "Did you like any?"

When Steff nodded in a negative, the other one stated, "We have finished all your wedding shopping. Only this is left. What's the problem?"

"I don't know, I am not finding any of these lingeries sexy," confessed Steff.

"For that my dear friend, you need someone apt to model them. Let me try and help you," Lauren said and just wore the brassiere over her T-shirt and posed. Raising an eyebrow, she asked, "Sexy, isn't it?"

When Steff nodded her head, Lauren tried another one and posed like before. The two girls were pleasantly goofing about enjoying themselves when suddenly Steff exclaimed, "Damn, isn't that Stan standing outside?"

Both the girls headed closer to the glass door and realised it was him.

"Do you think he saw us acting like fools?" Lauren asked her best friend.

"Well, you should check with him," Steff said.

Just then Stan waved a slow hi to the girls.

Both the girls moved behind. Then Lauren removed the bra she was wearing over her T-shirt and handed it to Steff. "Here, wish me luck," saying so she stepped out of the shop and walked towards Stan who was leaning towards the railing outside.

"Hi," Lauren said and pecked him on his cheek.

"Goofing around you two as always," stated Stan.

"This is so embarrassing. You saw everything, didn't you?"

"I found it cute. You don't need to feel embarrassed".

"Don't tell me your new hobby is to stand outside lingerie shops and peep inside," she joked.

"Mom's inside that shop," he said pointing to the make-up store next to theirs. "I was just waiting," he justified.

"OK...Well, it was good seeing you. I got to head back, Steff needs me," she said.

"Well, I... I have missed you Lauren. Do you think we could meet again, deliberately?"

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

"Yes!"

"I will think about it, but you will have to make up for it," she said and winked.

Before he could say more, she ran back inside to join an excited Steff.

WHEN HE SAYS HE WANTS TO BREAKUP

"Hey baby," said Myra and gave Jenil a kiss on the cheek as soon as she entered the house.

"How come you are back so early? I was expecting you to call me around midnight," said Jenil.

"As the pressure was mounting at work today, I felt like I could think of only two places to run. My house and yours. So, I called it a day and," she gave him a hug and realised that her boyfriend wasn't reciprocating as usual. So she asked him, "What's the matter?"

"Let's sit and talk," he said and took her to the dining table.

"I can't do this any more. We cant be lovers any more," Jenil said plainly.

Myra quietly inspected his face, which was devoid of any emotions. After being in a relationship for 2 years, she thought she knew him too well. Though lately, he had been acting a bit cold, she had dismissed it as a phase. When she realized he was serious, she got up and said, "Wait. Just hold that thought".

She walked towards the bar and poured some whiskey for herself in a glass. She gulped the whole thing down in one go, then poured herself a larger peg. With the glass in one hand, Myra returned to her original seat. She put the glass on the table, but still held onto it. Then she said, "Continue".

Jenil was baffled with her behaviour, but collecting his thoughts, he said, "I know you want to get married and I don't want to build up your hopes. I can't give you that".

"So, what are you suggesting?" Myra asked him calmly.

"We could be friends," said Jenil

Myra started laughing loudly, almost a maniacal laugh. It was hard for Jenil to gauge whether her laughter was genuine or not. Then she suddenly stopped.

"Damn. I just wish I could blame this on someone, anyone. Me, maybe," she said.

"No, Myra. It's not you. It's just that I don't feel the same way about you anymore," confessed Jenil.

Looking at his concerned face, she said, "You always said I understand you better that you know yourself. You my dear Jaan are an emotional fool. And you don't need to give me any reasons because frankly even you don't know why you want to breakup with me. It's just a feeling and you are acting on it. Your emotional side, I adored how you could feel more passionately than others."

"Here," she said pushing her glass towards him, while he looked at her still confused.

"You are not in your senses, Myra".

"Me," she said and then pointing her hand towards herself and moving it from head to toe, she continued, "this is as alive and focused as I can be. You on the other hand are being played by your emotions. I mean, you are just scared of disappointing me... A part of you thinks that I will eventually leave you. So, you are just protecting yourself".

"I...I" tried to defend Jenil.

"What you could have done, instead of giving up was to find the reason to fight on. Maybe I could have helped or maybe not. Whose to say! I have been difficult at times too and we have had our share of problems, but who doesn't? We are a lot better than many of our friends".

She got up and walked towards the exit. Jenil followed her. She opened the door and walked back towards him. She gave him a tight hug and a deliberate kiss. Holding him on his arms, she said, "I will send someone to collect my things tomorrow. Keep them ready". Then she walked away.

A FAILED RELATIONSHIP

As I looked at the remains of one more failed relationship, I smiled.

I wasn't so strong yet that the rejection didn't matter. The last time it happened, I had promised myself that I wouldn't drive myself crazy over a guy.

And yet months later, I found myself falling madly over this one. He was confident, smart with a sexy voice. I often wondered how he could still be single.

He blamed it on his emotional clutches. Hey! I too had them. I was overly sensitive and being in a relationship gave me anxiety attacks.

I thought we were doing good, until he sent me a text that read we couldn't be anything any more. It was a sweet text, don't judge him. Any ways, we were in a long distant relationship and this was the only way we communicated.

This time I was handling things better. It hurt and the first night, I found it difficult to breathe, when my thoughts ran to him. But I didn't see myself walking as a zombie. True, the guy was a gem and losing him should have felt like the end of the universe. But it didn't.

He was practical. Some girl broke his heart and he wanted to play it safe. I was the opposite. Boys had broken my heart and I still believed in love. Hell I went one step further, I seeked vulnerability in a relationship.

So now that it was over, I listened to songs that were peppy. And while walking to work today, I felt a bit bad when I saw a cute couple strolling hand in hand. But, each new day gives me hope.

Hope of finding the right one. The one who is as quirky as me, who listens to Alaine De Botton and accepts that everybody is a little crazy.

As for my ex. I am thankful he was in my life. Because he taught me a lesson or two on self belief and life. And I do genuinely hope he finds a good girl who can help him with his clutches.

But this is my story, so here's to me and my journey on finding the right one.

WE CAN BE JUST FRIENDS

"We can be just friends, nothing more. We can be just friends," said Meru over and over to herself.

Her train of thought was broken by a pop sound on her mobile. She had a message.

'I am in the café. Where are you?' it read

The cafe was double-decked and spacious. Meru was sitting in the most unnoticeable corner on the ground floor.

'It's a big place', she typed and sent, then waited for a minute to see if he would look for her. Feeling bad, she got up and went near the billing counter in the front. She could see him standing and looking around.

"Hi Lenny!" she put her hand awkwardly.

"Hi Meru!" he said, first shaking her hand and then drawing her in to give her a hug.

The next few seconds they debated where to sit, finally picking a corner table.

"Gosh! You still look so beautiful. How many years since we last met?" Lenny asked.

"6 years since college," she said not looking at him.

"What's wrong? Why are you stealing glances?"

"Why are you staring at me? It feels as if you are going to eat me," she complained.

Meru immediately covered her face with her hands, when she heard him say, "I wish".

Just then the waiter came in to take their orders. A cup of tea for her and a cappuccino for him. When the waiter had left, she realised he was still continuously looking at her.

"You are acting weird because of the elephant in the room," he said.

She smiled. He continued, "Fine. I will say it. We both know that we like each other. There I said it. Can you act normal now?"

They spoke about different things over coffee. Caught up on missed times. He sounded madly in love with her. Which was suffocating for her since she wanted nothing to do with love. Exhausted after an hour, she said, "I am getting late. Can we leave?"

He paid the bill, much to her protest and they started walking towards the parking.

"This is where we part," she said stopping near her car.

"So, when are we meeting next?" he asked her.

"Actually, there is something I have wanted to tell you from the time you came in. It's true that I like you, but I can't be more than friends. This heart has no love left in it to give to anyone," she said.

For a few seconds, both stood quietly. She avoided his stare again.

"Look at me, Meru," he said.

When she looked at him, he caught both her hands in his and said, "Right now, I don't need your love. I have enough for us both to share. Take all the time you want, I will be waiting".

As if a big load had been relieved from her shoulders, Meru started to cry. Then slowly she moved closer and rested her head on his chest.

WHY WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER

"Liz, what the hell are you writing at 2 in the morning?"  asked Sasha to her flatmate.

Sasha had to gone to sleep in her room after dinner and when she had last spoken to Liz, the girl was planning to go to sleep as well. Liz was the early sleeper, so seeing her awake was a little alarming for Sasha, who had got up for a glass of water.

"Can't you see I am writing a letter?" Liz said irritatedly, then continued to write.

"My prehistoric beauty, who is the lucky receiver of this letter now?" Sasha asked standing just behind Liz.

"I am writing it to Andy," said Liz.

"Wow. So it's a love letter. So cute," said Sasha excitedly.

"No. It's not."

"Then which one? You have already done the - 'why I love him' letter, so it can't be that. Then?" Sasha asked baffled

"If you are trying to pull my leg then it's genuinely not funny."

"No Liz, seriously I don't know any person who writes a list of things they like about their partner. I mean, who does that?"

"I do that. And I have explained you the reason a no. of times. But you never get the idea, do you?"

"Well, don't you always look at the list when you are too angry with Andy?" said Sasha and went into the kitchen to get a glass and a bottle of water. She kept it on the table where Liz was writing. Then she sat on the chair opposite to her friend and said, "I know the reason and the funda behind it. Been with you longer than Andy and the two before him".

Liz just looked up, smiled and went back to her writing. Sasha drank the water and kept the glass and bottle in the kitchen. But curiosity was killing her, so she sat opposite to Liz again.

"You are doing that staring thing, aren't you? If I tell you, will you leave me alone?" asked Liz.

"Promise," said Sasha excitedly.

"Fine. It's the 'Why we can't be together' letter. In short, its a detailed break up letter".

"You are breaking up with Andy? Honestly, I am not surprised by the way things were going, but could you please do it personally rather than through a letter. Remember how crushing it was when no. 2 did it to me, by text," intervened Sasha. She was about to continue but stopped on seeing the stern manner in which Liz was looking at her.

"Idiot. I know how soul crushing that can be. I am planning to meet and talk it out with him, but the letter explains the real reasons why. I know on his face, I wont be able to say the true reason. No one can! I am being my honest self in this," said Liz.

"I don't understand," said Sasha.

"Well, too often we breakup and give shitty reasons for it. People say things like - its not you, it's me or I will always love you or my parents aren't agreeing - Blah blah blah. Any rubbish shit as long as it makes the other one feel OK and you not a villain in their eyes. But in the long run, it doesn't help. We are still broken and as much damaged," said Liz.

"So, where does the letter come in?"

"Honestly, I am just writing the truth of why we shouldn't be together and why I want to break up. It also has some of his quirks that I don't like and some of mine that he hates. Reasons enough for him to move on and hopefully learn something," said Liz

"You are crazy," said Sasha

"Nope. It's the most sane thing I have ever done. Try it the next time you breakup with someone. He will thank you and you will thank me. Now please leave," said Liz and continued writing.

INDEPENDENCE IN A RELATIONSHIP

When Tammy entered her flatmates room, she saw the girl watching television while lying on her stomach.

"Why the hell are you watching Dexter? Don't you hate the guy?" asked Tammy.

"Huh!" Ananya looked up, then realised she was indeed watching the popular series and switched it off. Then, she got up and sat on the bed with a pillow on her lap. Tammy sat opposite to her and asked, "What's the problem?"

"I can't figure this guy out," Ananya confessed.

"Remind me why you are with this bozo?"

"The same reason you are with Akshay".

"Well, Akshay makes me feel alive. He is funny, honest, good-looking and I am probably in love with him," said Tammy.

"Bozo is also funny. In fact he is hilarious. He has integrity that I haven't found in any guy in a long long time. And to top it all, he is unconventional," said Ananya.

"Then what is the problem?" questioned Tammy.

"Yesterday night, I told him something which I thought sounded like what I really felt, but was cheesy and he reacted likewise," said Ananya.

"What did you say?" asked Tammy.

"I said - I don't know what to do when I am not with you," said Ananya and hid her face in the pillow, while Tammy laughed loudly.

Once her laughter died, Tammy snatched the pillow away from Ananya and the girl continued, "For a few seconds he was quiet. Then he said - That's not good. You need to be independent".

"Wohoo! Where did you find this guy? I am starting to think he may not be a bozo after all. Did he just use the word 'Independence' with you!"

"Well, the independence talk could be in reference to both of us. For all I know, he might be wanting independence from me".

"Keep it simple, Ananya. Whatever the reason, he is still being more reasonable than you".

"Tammy, I am so used to being wanted, needed and vice-verse that space, independence, terms like these just feel so alien".

"Did you tell him all this? questioned Tammy.

"Yes. He said - Fake it till you make it," said Ananya.

"What does that even mean?" asked Tammy.

"If I knew, do you think I would be sitting and watching Dexter? stated Ananya.

"I think," started Tammy, but stopped when she saw Ananya nodding in a negative.

"Let's just go with the flow, Tammy. Things are complicated as it is. I will just ask for his clarification on some good day " said Ananya switching on the TV.

Both the room mates then lay on the bed watching Dexter.